Erin the Spy

from blindgossip.com

When I was in fifth grade I read Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh.  I loved that book.  Harriet carried a notebook and wrote her observations of people, sometimes looking through windows, hiding in dumbwaiters, lurking outside of doorways...I carried a notebook around with me for DAYS, hoping I would find interesting things to write down.  Unfortunately, Harriet's intuition for finding interesting subjects to study and her snarky comments and ability to get out of hairy situations did not rub off on me like the book's concept did.  What I did pick up, though, was my love of observing people.  In recent years, the world's love of social networking sites, more specifically Facebook, has only fueled my passion.  Some may say they like to participate too, while others may call it stalking or spying.  However you look at it, I like to do it.

In the microcosm of my Facebook friendships, I have had an abundant opportunity to do some people watching - getting into their photos, seeing what things they 'like', and more importantly,  getting to read their status updates - one-line public journal entries, as I like to think of them.  In my roughly three years as a Facebooker, I have recently begun to categorize people based on what they choose to write in their status updates.  You may see yourself in my observations.  You may not.  I myself have participated in many of the status-update categories at least once (asterisked).  But in the social experiment that is Facebook, people's compulsive tendencies start to become apparent and as a spy and amateur social scientist, I must share what I have observed.  I do not claim that all or any of these categories are negative or positive, but I do claim that all of them have been observed at least a dozen times each.

Exhibit A - The Game Player:  We know them and sometimes hate them for clogging up our feed updates with their requests for help building a Farmville barn or invites to the party in Sorority Life.   And there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to who chooses to play at being a boss in Mob Wars or an undead in Vampire Wars.  Now help me earn a lead stake or you're dead.

Exhibit B* - The Mysteriously Vague:  These status updates are often only one word long, but rarely exceed three to keep the questions flying.  "Yipee," "Sad","Unleashed", "People suck" and "I dare you" are some examples that drive many people so deep into curiosity that they just have to ask about it.  Of course, while many of us have updated our status's like this, to be a member of Mysteriously Vague, you may NEVER respond with an explanation.  E-V-E-R.  "Hhmmmmm".

Exhibit C - The Lush:  This is the person who talks about wine or parties a lot and does so frequently enough in his/her updates that even though he/she may just really like wine or parties like I like a cold glass of milk, the frequency of her status updates containing something about wine or how often he has a hangover seems a little, well, tipsy toward a needed intervention.

Exhibit D* - The Vacationer:  The person who counts down daily  (or semi-weekly) to the estimated day of departure of the big trip.  Most of the people in this category don't take trips very often, so their excitement is understandable.  Others always seem to be going on a trip.  Then we just hate them.  And they don't let us forget that they always go on trips because they tell us what they are doing from their Blackberry or iPhone every day of the trip.  At least it save us all from having to ask how the trip actually was after the fact.

Exhibit E - The Self Promoter:  These are the graphic designers/musicians/comedians/home-based salespersons that take every chance they get to use our electronic friendship to sell their merch, which might just be themselves.

Exhibit F* - The Song Lyricist/Movie One-Liner:  These people consistently update status with a line from a song or movie. Quite a few rarely if ever tell us their own thoughts in their own words.  Similar to the Mysteriously Vague, as readers we are never sure whether the lyric reflects the mood of the writer or if those lyrics just spoke to the person and they felt the need to share.  Sometimes the lyrics or quote are so obscure or random that we're not sure how they could either speak to or reflect a person in any way - or leave you wondering if it's even a quote because these people rarely if ever use quotation marks.  But quote away, my "friend".  Quote away.

Exhibit G* - The Mother:  I know and love many of them.  They write about their kids.  Just don't ask me to change yet another dirty diaper by writing it online.  I will never say yes. (I participate by either writing about things my nephew and nieces say or do and by writing things my students do.  They're kind of like my children, right?)

Exhibit H - The Fitness Buff:  These people tell you how far and/or how long they worked out and what they did while doing it.  Unfortunately, we're all sitting down staring at a computer screen when these updaters are telling us about it.  Some of us* may have been sitting all day.

Exhibit I -  The Betrayed Friend:  By far my favorite updaters, these people are consistently updating their profiles (sometimes using song lyrics or quotes that have reached the point of cliche or pinnacle of cheesiness) about friends who are unloyal, aren't there to catch them when they fall, and not needing people like them who constantly bring them down.  What I want to know is how these people are such bad judges of character that they are repeatedly choosing such crappy friends?  And why do they never tell us the names of these crappy friends so we can look them up so we will be sure to not accept their friend request in the event that we get them?

Exhibit J - The Gourmet:  Today's menu?  Two English muffins, both with a lot of butter and a smear of strawberry preserves, two glasses of milk, a banana, a white peach, asparagus, a crappy leftover steak (that was also crappy when I made it), and some buttered garlic noodles.  Oh, and some buttered movie theater popcorn.  Will you be over with your family and hope I made enough?

Exhibit K* - The Quizer:  This type of behavior runs the risk of extinction.  It's habitat is being systematically destroyed by Gamers and, more recently, The Liker's, a new trend on the rise but until now little studied.  Closely related to the extremely endangered Pokers,  Superpokers, and Gifters.

Exhibit L - The You Will Be My Friend - These dangerous people don't get it when you don't accept their friend request.  Four times.  And they just keep asking.  Hope you never have a face to face confrontation with this person, because if you won't be friends with them on Facebook of all places, that is one reality-based conversation that may be awkward when they ask you why.  And they will ask you why.

This list is not comprehensive.  Then again, lists rarely are.  If there are any categories of Facebook users you have noticed (such as The Debbie Downers, The Inspirational Quoters and The Friend Whores) and would like to add to this list with a description, please feel free to do so in the comments section of this study.

Thank you for your feedback.